He Bought Nothing

He Bought Nothing

If it hadn’t been for her appointment at the surgery that morning, she’d have gone to the market herself.  Of course he’d reassured her that finding bargains was not beyond him, after all it wasn’t exactly rocket science, was it?  She’d swallowed several curt retorts, even as they’d occurred to her in rapid succession.
Now he was back, and she had to admit he hadn’t done too badly with the veg, apart from three already browning caulis which he’d bought for pennies but which would have to be used pronto or composted.  It was when she asked him what was left of the cash he’d taken and he looked rather uncomfortable that red lights began flashing somewhere in her brain.
“Oh, well, I…  Um, I spent the rest.”
“What on?”
He flushed.  “Nothing.”
She lowered her eyebrows and looked at him levelly.  “You didn’t spend it on anything, but you managed to spend it?”
“That’s right,” he said, “I bought nothing.  There was this bloke, down on the edge of the car park, and there were loads of people there, and that’s what he was selling.”
Her frown deepened.  “What?  What was he actually selling?”
“Nothing.”
“You mean, he wasn’t selling anything?”
“That’s right.”  His eyes were now beginning to shine with enthusiasm.  “He wasn’t selling anything.  He was selling nothing.  And do you know, he made it sound absolutely amazing!  I mean, you don’t normally spend money on nothing, do you?  But once I’d heard what he had to say, I was thinking: ‘We could use some of that, we really could.’”
She folded her arms.  “I’m not really following you.  Was this some sort of gambling thing?  Is that what you’re trying to say?”
He shook his head vigorously.  “No!  Certainly not.  I’m trying to explain to you.  He demonstrated it, you see.  What nothing can do – right there, before our very eyes.  It was incredible.  I just had no idea what nothing could do.  It’s endless.  I mean, there is literally an infinite range of things that nothing can do.”
She could feel a headache coming on.  “Okay, okay…  Let’s look at this another way.  How much of… it did you buy and where is it?”
He returned her gaze with a look of pity.  “Don’t be silly.  I mean, you can’t keep nothing in a shopping bag.  It would just be an empty bag.  No.  Look, let me show you…”  He placed his hands, palms together, then moved them apart by about six inches.  “What’s between my hands?”
She realised what he was expecting her to say and stopped herself.  “There isn’t anything between your hands except air.”
He would not be thrown.  “Air, I grant you.  But if there isn’t anything else, there’s nothing.  Okay, now watch.”  He moved his hands until there was about a foot between them.  “See?  Twice as much.”  Enthused, he continued to move them apart.  “Three times as much…  Four times…  You see?  Now I’ve bought it, I can have as much of it as I want.  There’s no end to it.”
A possible fallacy occurred to her.  “Hang on, though.  If you’d done that yesterday, before you spent our money, the same thing would have been true.”
He was unperturbed.  “Would it?  Would you say that anything was missing yesterday?”
“N-no.”
“Well, there you are.  Nothing was missing.  But today…  Today we have as much as we need.”
She felt a growing urge to scream at him, but resisted it.  "Look, I fail to see its value.  I mean, if it benefits us to have this, what does it actually do?”
“Well, if it’s endurance you want, nothing lasts forever.  If it’s help with something you’re doing, well then nothing works properly all the time.  Whatever it is, nothing does the job better than anything else can!  You just can’t go wrong with it really.”
She leaned towards him and sniffed.  “How come I can’t smell it?”
“What?  Nothing?  You wouldn’t be able to, would you?”
“No.  The alcohol on your breath.  You sound like you’ve been drinking, but I can’t smell it.”
He sighed.  “He did say it would be difficult.  Explaining, I mean.”
Hands on hips, scowling, she said: “Oh he did, did he?  Well I hope he also told you how you could take this ‘nothing’ back and get our money refunded.”
“Easily.  ‘There’s nothing to it,’ he said.  Except he won’t be there, of course.  He only comes the once and when he’s gone he’s gone for good.”
“Why am I not surprised?”
“Well, there we are.  Anyway, now I’m back, what’s for lunch?”
She took a deep breath.  The answer, when it came, was inevitable.